The Hustler's Life

  This phase of life is killing me from deep within. I don't know my next move. To be or not to be is the question. Perfect poetic balance. Hahhhhaa!(Cries within). Can't really seem to make sense of anything in this world. What do I do with myself. I am a waste. An outlier. I love and live for someone that I can never get. How can I let anyone into my life and make their life same as mine. Anyone else would have been lucky to be on my end with such loving folks around them but me. I despise my situation. I hate my life. I don't own myself. How can I draw a needle into my veins seeking for permanent end to my pain. What I love can only make me weak. Probably I will leave with a death note. 😔 And that would be my absolution.  Dear mom and dad, I love you both very much. You have been my inspiration and guided me the best in every possible way. I could not have asked for a better set of parents. Dear Arun, thanks for being the best buddy. You are the best person I know, howe...

S itting here on my desk, I am pondering over the future of the humankind. How I can contribute to making the world a better place? Currently the market is in a flux and is a great time for me to step in to lay some serious claims in the field of AI. Imagination is the limit. With the launch of OpenAI, I think I already missed a big bus ride to success. Even though I knew that something crazy was happening there, I could have stepped in and made some thing worthwhile, I did not. Probably that was not meant for me but I know of the future. Or at least I have started to think about it. Something needs to be put online. Something that we humans need badly. A direction in life. A life worth living. For this, machines need to take over the humanity. I am having so many thoughts at the moment, all unorganized but that's what I am. I need to organize myself for me to organize the world. Make the world different forever. Humans are driven by primal instincts. Survival of the fittest, which...

 The sad truth sometimes is that you try to keep pleasing everyone. You try to keep everyone on the boat with you but the boat can only handle as much before it sinks taking all on the boat as well. So, you try to compartmentalize, taking care of people along the way. Sometimes a bit too much, causing one to feel left out in the process, even though you did not intend to. The ideal way to circumvent this is by creating a clear communication channel among the people, explicitly stating your plan. And if there is a change in the plans, you should step forward more. In those scenarios, clear communication amasses an even greater role. Sadly this wisdom came so very late to me after I had a grueling argument over whom I was giving a priority to. That too at a great cost. My plan always was to meet my partner but everything I did looked so confounded that I cannot forgive myself. Though he was always the ultimate priority and the main reason I was going to Delhi was meeting him but it f...

 Why do we tend to destroy the ones we love.. I can't but hate to see that my stupid decisions are causing harm to the loved ones. This entire month has been and is going to be disastrous. I hate to see the time passing by so bad. It hurts deep within to even see others in pain because of me. Just because of me. No one is happy because of my going and why should they be. Everything comes at a great cost in this world. It may all look rosy to others but no one can see the suffering deep within. My heart is shattered, in shambles, trying to collect the broken pieces of itself and trying to hold tight. I am seeing people in pain but am silent. I feel like a ghost, no soul or life within. My brain is under heavy stress and by body is unable to digest anything. I wish to make others happy and content and at sometimes at the cost of making up things to make them hear what they want to hear. In short term, this may look okay but I need to start telling the right things, even if it hurts t...

 It's a rant. How hard is life for people like us. Why can life not be easy on us. We have to constantly make decisions that we know will hurt the loved ones - at least one side or the other. In the end you are in shambles. Why does life have to be this way. I cannot admit who I am to my parents and even if I do, they will not understand me. If they do accept me as who I am, my friends won't or if they will, everyone will be scathed. Life will never be the same again. Coming out is a painful, strong and extremely courageous process and is not meant for the weak ones or the ones who do not have any support system.  I am in deep pain and anguish over the decisions I have to make. If I go ahead and do the right thing, then my husband's life will be in jeopardy. How can it be right if I were to ruin his life. There is no way to let out my feelings either ways. I am but the vassal for sadness in the world, who does not deserve to be happy. I live in constant fear of accidentally...