Memoirs of living on ecstasy

 It's a rant. How hard is life for people like us. Why can life not be easy on us. We have to constantly make decisions that we know will hurt the loved ones - at least one side or the other. In the end you are in shambles. Why does life have to be this way. I cannot admit who I am to my parents and even if I do, they will not understand me. If they do accept me as who I am, my friends won't or if they will, everyone will be scathed. Life will never be the same again. Coming out is a painful, strong and extremely courageous process and is not meant for the weak ones or the ones who do not have any support system. 

I am in deep pain and anguish over the decisions I have to make. If I go ahead and do the right thing, then my husband's life will be in jeopardy. How can it be right if I were to ruin his life. There is no way to let out my feelings either ways.

I am but the vassal for sadness in the world, who does not deserve to be happy. I live in constant fear of accidentally getting found out about my relationship with a man, who I love! What has this world come to. The social stigma and the non-acceptance of our lives has made it impossible for us to survive. There have been thousands of times when I wanted to die. I even tried attempting to commit the unspoken deed but something pulled me back, once even coming back from the dead.

I always wanted to share that I love this person so deeply with the entire world. I am never against marriage or family but I want it with the one I love or care about. How can I have a family with someone else. Living a lie might work for me but what about the girl I am going to cheat on. If my life is destroyed, that is alright. At least I will be satisfied that I am not destroying another's. Living dual life may sound edgy and fancy but I better leave it to the movies to portray. How can I make everyone happy? I guess I am the pawn in this great game. Lol and I was supposed to be a beacon of equality and freedom when I am not myself.

I always loved strong characters, the powerful, unabashed, all prevailing, because I saw myself in them. Fighting against the atrocities and the wrong.